Rules For Hogwarts
by sapphiques-and-angelfire
Summary: - The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable". and so on... Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is a new fic thingy i'm doing. review and ask for which one you want me to do first or i'm gonna do chronologically or from top to bottom. Hoping to update before I die...**

Rules For Hogwarts:

- If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout, "TO THE BAT MOBILE!"

- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar.

- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.

- I will not say, "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape.

- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda.

- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.

- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labelled, "Firewhiskey."

- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them Smurfs.

- The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife with PMS.

- "I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!"

- "So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."

- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret.

- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...

- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office.

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

- Especially not with kazoos.

- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.

- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man"...Even if I do conjure him up.

- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

- Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

- I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.

- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "Mini me."

- Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.

- No combination of these is acceptable.

- Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

- Yelling "To infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

- I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways.

- I should not remark that, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," when Snape gets angry. Ever.

- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

- I must not shout "Beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.

- I will not give Hagrid pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.


	2. If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade

**Chapter One:**

_- If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout, "TO THE BAT MOBILE!"___

James was dreaming one night. His father, Harry, had told him some stories about the war and the time he conquered his fear of dementors. Of course he watched the Muggle show called 'Batman'. Aunt Hermoine had gotten him hooked on it, annoying Ginny and Harry to no end with the theme song. If they heard "dana nana nana nana atomic batteries are a go" they'd break out the duct tape. So it's only fitting it invaded his dreams…

_James was walking around the Hogwarts grounds. Everything was peaceful and calm, too peaceful and calm. He wanted to scream or shout, anything to disrupt it. Then out of nowhere dementors started to rain from the sky and the bat man theme song started playing. Thrusting his fist into the air, James yelled "To the BatMobile!"_


	3. Remus Lupin Time!

**Chapter Two:**

_-Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar.___

- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.

James 'Prongs' Potter ran through the corridors of Hogwarts, having just figured out another wat to torment his one of his best friends, Remus 'Moonie' Lupin

"Moonie!" James yelled, having caught sight of the fellow Gryffindor. James fell in step Moonie and Padfoot, Moonie obviously trying to explain how to do a certain spell for Charms by his clear impatience and Padfoot's clear-as-day frustration and eagerness to just smack Moonie for being smarter.

"Moonie, I was just wondering…" James trailed off.

Remus quirked up an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Do you want a flea collar for Christmas?"

Throughout Hogwarts you could hear Sirius' guffawing at the rare moment that Remus looked murderous.

It was the middle of the night in the Gryffindor Common room; the four Marauders were studying for their NEWT's relentlessly, at the insistence of Lily, who was currently enjoying a _very_ vivid dream of James.

James tired of studying, decided to be a moron for five minutes and tease Moonie.

"So when is it?" He asked Remus.

"When is what?" Remus replied, momentarily looking up from his parchment.

"Your time of the month" James answered simply.

"The full moon? Next week. Why?" Remus put down his parchment, curious of James questions. He knew when the next full moon was so why did he ask.

"Oh I just wanted to know when your time of the month was happening so I could stay away. With you being hormonal and everything I don't want you sobbing into my shirt one second and then be dandy the next. Did you know that girls PMS like a boss? They bitch out at each other so much it's hilarious to watch. You should see Marlene and Lily arguing, it's increasingly funny because Marlene just says whatever comes to mind" James mused.

Remus open his mouth to respond but Sirius and Peter were laughing to hard to be heard.

"And," Sirius continued, wanting in on this, "did you know that in the States, PMSing is a viable reason to be mental when being arrested?"

"No I didn't know that" Remus said, trying not to laugh at his friends comments and idiocy.

"Well Moonie, if you feel like doing something criminal just go to the States and claim that it's your time of the month" James said, grinning.

The four boys roared in laughter causing a very annoyed Lily Evans to descend the stairs and cast body-binding and silencing charms on the four Marauders.

**If you do not believe me, check out this page. pms-facts-humor/interesting-facts-about-pms**

**it's the last fact. and yes i astually did reseach, build a bridge and get over it.**


	4. Dude get a life

**Chapter 3:**

- I will not say, "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

Blooper from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Harry walked through the forest, trying to find Voldermort and face his destiny. When he walked into the clearing he suddenly faced Voldermort and his lackeys.

**"**Here he is! The Boy who Loived come to die!" Voldermort evil laughed for about 5 minutes before Harry got tired of it.

Harry looked at Voldermort, and sarcastically said "Dude get a life".

The clearing went completely silent, then Malfoy started laughing so hard he fell down and rolling around, "Get a life, man that is funny" everyone could hear Malfoy's hysterics.

Voldermort face palmed, "Malfoy have you been stocking up on Firewhiskey again?"


	5. Snape vs Batman

**I liked this one a lot.**

**Chapter 4:**

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape.

Ron was walking around Hogwarts pout of sheer boredom. When he came across Snape, he no longer was bored.

"Proffesor Snape may I ask you something?" Ron asked

"If you are looking for your brain, I don't know where it is" Snape said, walking past Ron. Ron ran after him, trying to keep up.

"No sir, I know where my brain is, I just wanted to know why did you steal Batman's cape? It looks better on him than you." Ron asked innocently.

Snaped opened his mouth to say something, probably to curse him, but Dumbledore interuppter.

"I admit I do agree with Mr. Weasley. Snape, why did you steal Batman's cape?"

Snape's only answer was a face plam.


	6. Star Wars mania

**Chapter 5:**

- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda.

- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

Albus Potter was bored. It was Charms, his best subject, and by far the most boring. He would've been asleep already if it weren't Halloween and Professor Flitwick wasn't trying to talk in riddles.

Finally Albus had enough. Raising his hand to ask the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Professor, is your name Yoda?"

Everyone held their breathe for his answer.

With a strangely calm face, Professor Flitwick answered, "Yes. Yes it is."

James was trying to impress his little sister Lily.

"Lily watch this!" James Accio'd a book from across the room.

Lily giggled the way little girls do "How did you do that?"

James brought his face very close to hers and looked suspiciously as if he was going to tell her a secret. "It's called The Force"

"The Force?" Lily whispered back.

"Yes you stick out your hand like this", he whispered, demonstrating, "and make it come to you by sheer willpower."

Lily nodded and tried to do it. "I'll be back in an hour to check on your progress" Lily nodded not losing her concentration.

Half an hour later, Harry walking into the living room to see his youngest child, Lily, sitting on the couch her arm reached out in front of her with her faced screwed up in concentration. She, bluntly, looked constipated.

"Lily", Harry said gently, "what are you doing?"

"James taught me how to use the Force, now I'm trying to do it?" Lily said, her eyes reflecting an innocence that you just can't fake.

"One minute Lily," Harry left the room. "JAMES!"


	7. Giant Squid vs Giggling Spell

**Chapter 6:**

- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.

Scorpios Malfoy could not get a date. The girl he wanted to take to the Yule Ball, Rose, was already taken. When he appeared the night of the ball, he was often asked who his date was. His answer was always.

"Oh, my date's outside. Yeah, I don't think you'd know her. She's the Giant Squid"

Scorpios and Albus were giggling. That was odd because they don't giggle. At all. So when Rose Weasley went up to them they looked up at her and started full out laughing.

"What are you two laughing at?"

Between choked laughing and normal laughing she heard "New Spell"

"How long were you guys laughing?"

"An hour"

"What so funny about it?"

The two boys looked at each other and burst out in laughing again. Once Rose had given up on them and left, they agreed on one thing. "I don't think we should use this spell." "Yup, only in the most dire circumstances" then the boys started discussing the circumstances.


	8. Bam vs Woodsy

**Chapter 7:**

- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

James Sirius Potter was learning how to apparate. And he loved sound effects. Though his father strongly discouraged it, he always yelled "BAM!" whenever he apparated in somewhere. It's only fair he did something stupid because of it.

One day in Hogsmeade, James was trying to scare his cousin, Rose. So he snuck behind Three Broomsticks and Apparated right in front of Rose, yelling "BAM!" at the top of his lungs. But of course James being James, he overshot. He was five feet away from Rose, and instead he was yelling "BAM!" in Headmistress McGonagall's face.

"Potter, detention for a month!"

**1.2.3.**

The boys were joking around telling jokes, trying to out-do each other every time.

"I have one about Oliver Wood's name" James said.

"I've heard every last one of them! C'mon man, do something original"

"You've heard all of them? Oh really."

An hour later…. (awesome time lapse)

James won. By telling lots of Oliver Woods jokes.

*Note to self: James doesn't like to be told he is wrong.*


	9. Firewhisky Lullabye

**Chapter 8:**

**- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labelled, "Firewhiskey."**

James Jr. decided to trick Albus Jr. Again.

"Albus!" James called out to his younger brother. Albus came running, startled by his tone of voice.

"I need to tell you some important advice" James said with a scary serious face. He explained Firewhiskey. "They figured out how to liquefy Gryffindor's Courage and put it in a bottle. Now they sell to everyone who wants the courage to do anything!" James declared.

Albus being a naïve fourth year believed every word the fell from James' lips.

Later that night, Albus got wasted for the first and probably last time in his life.

"JAMES SIRIUS POTTER, GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY!"


	10. Smurfs Galore

**Chapter 9:**

- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them Smurfs.

Hugo was obsessed to say the least. Hermione got him hooked onto a muggle series called 'The Smurfs'. Maybe you've heard of, hopefully; if you haven't, well you're an ostrich with its head in the sand. Never mind that, Hugo was obsessed. He demanded that he have smurf sheets at home and to bring to school, smurf anything-he-could-get-his-hands-on-including-underwear. But his undies aren't important. What's important is what this lead to and earned him a month's detentions worth.

Hugo got it in his head that the House Elves would be perfect Smurfs…

So he decided to test his theory. He painted the House Elves much to then discomfort sky blue (it looked like the Sky just upchucked on them, to say the least) and distributed white pants and white hats and white dresses to the amusing Elves. Then he marched them all into the Great Hall, all of them singing the Smurf theme song,

"La la la-la la la,  
Sing a happy song.  
La la la-la la la,  
Smurf your whole day long. "

"Mr. Potter may I see you in my office?"

"Smurf along with me!"


	11. The Entwife Tree

**Chapter 10:**

- The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife with PMS.

The cousins were talking about Lord of the Rings. A book that Aunt Hermione was making them all read. They were also making comparisons from the book into this world. Lily overhearing one of their comments was curious and asked about it.

"Why is the Whomping Willow an Entwife? And what's PMS?"


	12. Harry being Obnoxious

**Chapter 11:**

- "I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!"

- "So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."

Harry Potter was dreaming:

_In Harry Potter land where his head is even more inflated, he was dissing Voldy._

_"I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!"_

Harry smiled in his sleep and turned over, his dreams changing too.

_Harry now is talking to a group of fangirls. Boasting of all his achievements he can't hear anything until_

_"So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."_

Harry had sweet dreams, to say the least.


	13. Funny Stand Alones

**Chapter 12:**

Okay there are a couple of these rules that I can't write a shot for. They're funny enough with out a shot. So here they are:

- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret.

- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.  
- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

Yup so I'm gonna write the next chapter now.

Sincerely, Sapph


	14. Aussie vs Santa-dore

**Chapter 13:**

- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...

During class, there was a raucous group of students bursting out into laughter every couple of minutes or so. When Albus leaned in to hear what they were talking about, he heard a bunch of the students talking in accents, Australian accents. They were imitating Steve Irwin. Hagrid walked up behind the group and cleared his throat. All the students froze, thinking that they were about to get detention. Instead Hagrid did the best Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, accent any of them ever heard. The rest of the class was spent doing Steve Irwin accents until Professor McGonagall walked in.

"Hagrid, where did you learn such a thing?"

1.2.3.

Hermione told Lily about Santa Claus. Guess what Lily did when she saw Dumbledore?

"SANTA CLAUS!"


	15. Soft n squishy vs Marshmallow man

**Chapter 14:**

- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.  
- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man"...Even if I do conjure him up.

James, thinking Hufflepuffs were these soft plushy people decided to start poking them. This was not well met, especially when a prefect, who was a Hufflepuff, was poked especially hard by an increasingly curious first year James Potter.

"What do you think you're doing, Potter?"

"Figuring out if Hufflepuffs are squishy"

The prefect thought at least he's not trying to roll us down the staircase like were pillows or something. He spoke too soon.

1.2.3.

Screams of laughter echoed throughout Hogwarts. Professor McGonagall questioned one student on her way to figure out the loud, loud problem.

"What's happening there?"

"The legend of the Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man is true!"

What Marshmallow man? There's no such thing!"

"There is now!"

McGonagall walked quickly to the sit of the laughter just to encounter three Marshmallow men brawling. On the far side of the hallway was James Sirius Potter. No one was smiling wider than him, McGonagall knew she found her culprit. But before she punished James she decided to watch them fight. Before long, McGonagall was cheering with vigour for Marshmallow man #2 who was winning.


	16. We're Off to See the Wizard!

**Chapter 15:**

- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office.

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

- Especially not with kazoos.

James got sent down to the Headmistress' office. That wasn't new, but what was, was what he was doing on the way.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

Teachers opened their doors to try to find the culprit of the song but they didn't reprimand him. They simply stared at him with their jaws hanging open as the witnessed one of the oddest and most bizarre things they had ever seen.

"You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz! There was. "

There were elves following James down the hall, doing an obviously choreographed dance while doing back-up for the Potter boy. And they weren't half bad.

"If ever oh ever a Wiz! there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,  
Because, because, because, because, because. "

Now half of the elves were dancing with kazoos and the other half were dancing will still singing. James wasn't a half bad singer either.

"Because of the wonderful things he does. "

James was opening the gargoyle that was the door to the Headmistress' office.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

The last lines were echoing as James disappeared from sight and the elves sang their final notes before going to do whatever they were doing before this, er, performance.


	17. Forgivness vs Martok

**Chapter 16:**

- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.

James was dueling with Albus. And he cursed Albus.

"James", Harry said, trying to get James to reverse the spell, "Please undo the spell". His teeth were gritted in annoyance, then for a split second he wondered whether James had got this 'incompetence' from him. He decided he got it from Ginny. Back to the matter.

"Why? The curse is forgivable isn't it? I didn't use an _un_forgivable curse? So isn't it pretty much forgivable?"

"James, just undo the bloody spell!"

1.2.3.

**(I had to Google this)**

"Gryffindor!"

"Slytherin!"

"Hufflepuff!"

"Ravenclaw!"

"House of Martok!"

"James Potter, REPORT TO MY OFFICE AT ONCE!"


	18. Pinatas vs Ding, Dong

**Chapter 17:**

- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

- Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

McGonagall was trying to figure out why the students were crowding the windows. When she finally pried herself to the front of the crowd, she found the astonishing sight of…

The Whomping Willow hitting itself.

There were animal and monster shaped piñatas strung along many of the branches. The whomping willow looked idiotic hitting itself while the piñatas were swinging and actually hitting some of the students who dared get closer.

McGonagall was so struck by the absurdity of this happening she started laughing. And laughing. And laughing until she fell onto the ground and started pounding on it.

The students backed away in case she combusted.

1.2.3.

The students were singing a song. The teachers couldn't figure it out until they were in for lunch.

"Munchkins  
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!  
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.  
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.  
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,  
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.  
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.  
Let them know  
The Wicked Witch is dead!"

The teachers were horrified, especially the females. Why would the students sing this song? Haggrid got up and started storming towards the Slytherin table.

"Aye, what do ya think yer doin'?" he yelled, the Slytherin students started running around the Great Hall, trying to escape Haggrid's demonic wrath.

"Mayor  
As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally.  
Barrister  
But we've got to verify it legally, to see  
Mayor  
To see?  
Barrister  
If she  
Mayor  
If she?  
Barrister  
Is morally, ethic'lly  
Father No.1  
Spiritually, physically  
Father No. 2  
Positively, absolutely  
Munchkins  
Undeniably and reliably Dead  
Coroner  
As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her.  
And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.  
Mayor  
Then this is a day of Independence For all the Munchkins and their descendants  
Barrister  
If any.  
Mayor  
Yes, let the joyous news be spread The wicked Umbridge at last is dead!"

Haggrid stopped in his tracks. "Oh, Umbridge, "he said. "That's fine." He lumbered back to his chair and stated munching on his fried chicken. Everyone was staring at him.

"What I do?"


End file.
